Existential Pain: Otherwise known as “Why the Fuck am I here?’

*Triggers* I write about sad stuff, trauma, pain, despair…understood?

I have alot of pain inside, me, but I know very well that I am not alone in my intense pain.
This whole world is full of incredible, horrific, unbearable, excruciating pain.
I dont speak for the rainbows, bunnies and candies side of life– because everyone is so happy and comfortable talking about that.
Everyone tries to ignore and suppress the reality that life is full, full, full of horrific pain. Those who have experienced pain that scars them so deeply that they have felt the loss of all hope, the loss of all peace, the feeling of being torn apart and left ruined– know what the fuck I’m talking about.

I often, if not always these days wish I was never born. I comfort myself by reminding myself I will one day die.
That brings me peace.
I will no longer have to know anything about pain, loss, horror, terror, ruin, shock, misery.

One day I will die and this to me is beautiful news. I will die and the shit of life will no longer be able to touch me. I will be somewhere else, where there is true light, were I can finally rest. There the True God( feminine and masculine) will be and I will be known, and my tears will truly be wiped away.

I will no longer have to deal with a world of shit.

If my posts alarm you, at the pain, the frankness, dont read it– I will be incredibly blunt.
If my posts help you realize your own pain, and know you are not alone– that not everyone ignores the pain of life– keep reading. It is you that I want to validate. I am writing for you. And I am writing for myself, as writing is the way I express my soul.

Welcome sad ones,
You are not alone.


Christian Fundamentalism as Emotional Rape

Christian fundamentalism, to me and and many others who see the cruelty of it recognize it for what it is. Emotional Rape.

Christian fundamentalism destroys lives.

From the insane spiritual terrorism of the constant threat of “eternal hell” for any mistakes or sins

To the emotional deadness it causes.

Christian fundamentalism ignores emotions, reality, experiences. There is no recognition of the reality of CHAOS in every day life, because God is seen as a God of perfect order( is starvation, natural disasters and a horrible life perfect order? FUCK NO!)
So people like me who have experienced almost constant chaos of loss, suffering, meaningless trauma of health and severe misery– there is NO understanding of this in the Christian fundamentalist Church.

The Book of Job is considered the ‘how to guide’ for suffering. I found this book cruel and horrific. The ‘god’ in that book is a sadist. He sets up Job’s suffering for a mere test to the devil to prove Jobs devotion. That within itself is sadistic. No more is needed for that god to classify as a sadist. But there is more! Over and over God allows a worse suffering, over and over until Job crumbles and wishes he was never born.
Then Gods answer is basically that he can do anything because he is so powerful and made all the might-est of the creatures. Damn, if this is not the beginning to a terrible story I dont know what is.

No wonder I feel emotionally rapped!

No wonder this society is so fucking damaged!
The god of Christian fundamentalist is a violent, power hungry, emotional and spiritual rapist.

I think ive been waiting since I was a CHILD to say that.

Life is a Horror Story

Fuck life
Fuck story book lies
Fuck fundamentalism and its cruelty
Fuck the ignorance of this society and the lack of compassion EVERYWHERE.

There is no compassion anywhere.

I’m Done with Christianity

I’m done with Christianity.
I broke down today and two days ago about the suffering in my life and in the world.

I have tried to recover a love for Jesus but I can not separate him from the Insane hell doctrine.

Jesus and the Bible God to me are now only torturers and though I think Jesus was well meaning, in attempting to bring light and love into the world, he has also brought trauma with the harsh imagery of fire and hell in the Bible. Ive also been traumatIzed by reading of “Victim Souls’ who suffer all that intense pain for him, supposedly to save others from hell.

This doctrine has destroyed many and brought much pain and destructIon in my life. I’m done with the abuse.

I’m over it.

The Doctrine of Hell : The Destroyer of Mind, Body and Soul

Having experienced and experiencing hell on earth in the form of excruciating and misunderstood health issues for several years my mind has become fully aware of the sheer horror of the doctrine of hell.

I believe it is the root cause of majority of the misery and sickness in the word.

I left Christianity after being Christian since I was a child because of the doctrine of hell. The horror of my body constantly tortured by unspeakable pain because of my physical deterioration made it unbearable to think God would physically torture ANYONE for all eternity.

This doctrine made me hate God and I struggled with deep hatred for such a cruel and evil deity.

My world, because of my severe and ongoing health problems, was cruel and merciless- only to realize God was even more cruel than the horror I was already experiencing.
The more I suffered physically the more I knew Torture. I have experienced it through my illness. I know what it is to be in so much pain you can’t speak, and you wish constantly that you were dead.

I know that my suffering is and has been tied to my belief in hell. Spiritual damage comes first. This whole world is suffering under the evil doctrine of hell. You can’t believe in eternal torment and not be wounded by it in your spirit, life force, body, emotions- every part- causing the beginings of illness in the body which makes one more vulnerable to pushing onself through perfectionism and overall harshness toward self because God is infinItely abusive.

Sensitives are even more wounded by the doctrine of hell. The rise of self harming among many women and men I feel is directly related to internalized messages about hell. After all, hell teaches that human beings are so worthless that they can be burned, tortured for all eternity in burning hot flames. It fuels perfectionism because.people don’t know which mistake will be the mistake that causes them to end up in hell. Sensitives eventually see this horror and find it unbearable.
There Is already a lack of mercy in the world, in nature itself-AND because of the hell doctrine there is a lack of mercy in God.

The Hell doctrine negates EVERY kind word or deed or motive of Jesus.

I last night confronted the horror of the Hell doctrine some more and read accounts and testimonies of people whos lives or love ones lives have been severely destroyed and warped by the Hell doctrine.

Why are the prisons and psychiatric wards so fucking full? Why is there so much war and violence? Why are humans so ashamed of their humanness?

Intellectually it is easy to supress the evil of the Hell doctrine because it is often just accepted. But if one searches with feeling- the cruelty becomes aparant. Read testimonies of the terrible suffering it causes. These are the fruits.
I had accepted hell untill recently, but for over ten years I have suffered with supressed anger, if not rage, toward God for his cruel wrath as portrayed in many parts of the Bible. I realize now it Is the Hell doctrine that is at the root of that.
Reading the testimonies of severe suffering, the pain, aguish and trauma caused by the Hell doctrine last night Is really what caused me to realize God could not really be associated with such Horror.

True mercy is necessary for human health. I feel deep pain for and speak for the uncountable amount of humans that have gone insane because of this terrible belief. This post is dedicated to them.

In my terrible sadness and desire for comfort l searched much for a Divine of mercy, who had no part in sending any to hell.

The Goddess Quan Yin was and is the light in the darkness for me. I believe she is the true Christ Consciousness, meaning the true nature of Jesus and the MasculIne God-but she is the Feminine divine form. Her mercy truly never fails. Her beauty is truly a pure white light, no dark blemishes of Hell.

She comforts me gently. I deeply need a gentle God, one who truly loves.

I hope one day I can see Jesus and the Masculine divine that way again, as both the Masculine and Feminine divine are important and needed- and indeed I believe are the same white light but it is hard to see because of the horrific hell doctrine that surrounds Jesus and the Masculine Divine. I believe that the Hell doctrine is demonic in nature and not of God.

It must be said that this post is a collection of my feelings and thoughts from my spiritual journey and research, and are just that- feelings and thoughts.

I can tell my healing though from this doctrine will be slow. But I have her pure Compasssion to comfort me.

God is not faithful

It is hard to write, but I feel no need to be indirect.
I write this for all those who went and are going through life wondering why God has not helped them in such dark years, lifetimes of pain. This is for everyone who died with deep shame that God did not heal their sickness. This is for every scared and mourning human who did not feel any comfort from God, no hand wiping away their tears.
This is for those who have experienced horrors, accidents, torture and feel ashamed because they were told God is always faithful, always helps, comforts or saves.

God is not faithful.

Faithful means reliable and constant.

I read something today about how it is ignoring reality to say God is always faithful. The world is full of horror, many are not rescued by God.

I have grappled with the idea that God Is good and evil, but I can’t seem to come to peace with him as being part evil. I think he’s completely good, with no evil in him. But I think He is very limited In how hIs power manIfests on earth.
Reading that God is not faithful peirced my soul and I felt some of my deep and painful shame leave me. I realized I was not lesser or worthless because God had not healed, protected or comforted me. I felt some rage and sadness over all the years I was tormented by this idea. The sadness I now feel is releasing old poIson.

God is not faithful, though because He is good I think He wishes He was.

God and Abandonment

I have deep very painful feelings of abandonment from God. I already know I’m not alone, as I’ve met men and women who feel the same.

I can make no sense of the suffering Ive witnessed.and experienced. There is no ” sense” behind it.

The Hell doctrine and cruelty In the BIble has traumatized me from trusting the Masculine Divine in the Bible, Jesus or even angels- because I associate angels with the Bible.

I feel sad today but the cruelty of my experience is that I have become numb to my deep sadness.

I wish my family wasn’t going through this terror. I love them.

Quan Yin is with me. I know She will do all She can to help me.

The Compassion of Quan Yin is powerful. She sees my suffering and cares about my pain. She gives me the light of endless Mercy.

Unbalance: Good and Evil in the Heavens

I do not believe mankind is to blame for the horror in the world. I believe mankind and nature suffer because of unbalance in the spiritual world.

I believe God is unbalanced, having separated from His feminine aspects, namely compassion. I feel God has become, and has been for a very long time, abandoning, harsh, cruel, I feel he is even suffering from evil inside himself.

Beth Green expressed it perfectly in her articles and the synopsis of her book “Healing God”, which I hope to buy and read soon.

I resisted at first the idea that God was both good and evil, that He was suffering sickness. I found It unbearble to be In a sIck body, sIck world and have a sIck God who was not even all good. I found It mentally unbearable.

HavIng found Quan YIn and to know there were energIes who were all good and who desIred to heal the suffering has allowed me to look at God agaIn.
Now I can see no other way to explain or heal my own pain and the pain of the earth but to accept God is wounded.

I have blamed myself for things I have no control over, believed God was punishing me with sickness or teaching me lessons through misery for many many years, over ten years, I have been traumatized by the perfect, all powerful, all knowing God who allows pain for growth and gets pleasure from animal and human sacrifice.

I admire and draw on the goodness of saints, like Cyrus, of who I am fond, but I will never accept martrydom as something good. It hurts me that so many beautiful souls thought to be torn apart, burned alive, tormented with tools and horrendous suffering were pleasing to God or helped to advance the spiritual world.

There is something wrong with this world

And to continue to blame humans is to destroy humans with shame that is not ours.

If there is so much so obviously wrong in the world

Then, as below, above

There is something terribly wrong with God

I can ignore it no longer

I can not allow my fear of having a God who is sick with spiritual wounds of his own scare me into silence. It is terrifying for me to accept that God is not someone I can rest in because He is bleeding with his own sickness, infected with HIs own hell

There is something wrong with God

Quan Yin, the supressed Feminine Divine energy of Compassion is helping me to be brave- and to see the darkness as it is.
I have only been able to accept that God is suffering and wounded because I have Her to comfort me as I look the great terror of this realization in the face.
Without Her, I’d have to ignore the realization away.

She reminds me that all is not Darkness.

A Protective Dragon

I have felt drawn to dragon’s since I was little.
I thought they were fascinating creatures, mysterious, both frightening and beautiful.

I have been reading about my Goddess Quan Yin, pleased to see stories of her and kind dragons.

Quan Yin has a bond with dragons.

When I think of dragons I think of feirce protection, magic, beauty, soothIng forrests, royalty and friendship.

Night and Reflection on Saint Cyrus

Today was difficult.
I don’t want to write on it too much.

Quan Yin was with me today and I know She was aware I was overwhelmed. She whispered to my spirit to sleep during the day and I did.

It just turned Jan 31 on my clock and today is the day that acknowleges the life and death of Saint Cyrus. He was an Egyptian Physician who healed without charge. He was a very compassionate soul. When he heard three girls( and I believe also the mother of the girls) were to be executed for their faith he felt compelled to go to them and encourage them, he did not leave their side and was tortured to death along with them.

I see him as a comforter, a masculIne energy who is very kind toward those suffering.

I wanted to write about his beautiful soul and story on this day.