*I write alot recently about existence trauma, terror in everyday life and goddess energy. My writing could be triggering to the hurting, those who have experienced religious or spiritual abuse, and those who suffer. Please read with care*
Today I didn’t do much, did some chores and played some online games. My health doesn’t let me drive( my parents or brothers take me places If i need) nor does it let me go very far on walks without pain. I was experiencing trauma today from yesterday’s triggers. I’m still feeling fragile and needing to stay calm. I had read a few days ago that Mercury is in retrograde and causes communication and thought problems, and I can feel that too- on top of everything else Ive been going through. Also yesterday was a blood moon. Perhaps I would have been scared but my goddess has made me see beauty in what is quick to be rejected. I read about the blood moon some and I didn’t get a bad sense from it at all, for some reason it calmed me. But also i view red as a loving, passionate color.
I felt like today the goddess energy I work with was trying to bring to my awareness just how much emotional pain I am in. I think the goddess energy I am drawn to is basically the goddess of pain and the deepest, most intense awareness and expressions of pain, also a keen wisdom, the unconscious, and a constant deep love and unending compassion. I do not feel she is “powerful” I only think shes a feminine energy.
But I think she showed me today,alot of my emotional pain is tied to my awareness. I also got the sense that she did not see the frenzy of being aware of horrors as bad, she viewed it as good and beautiful. She too is aware. I see her as the energy who wants to go in places others do not go in, and to hold the most traumatized and ruined.
She basically gave me a sense its okay that I’m destroyed, horrified and in a frenzy of intense terror over my life and the world. She made me feel, its tied to her awareness and to her. I get the sense I have to be gentle with myself-even if it is my sensitivity that life has most grossly shamed.
I feel I still must try to be sensitive with myself, and to accept I am completely lit up by the horror of awareness, frenzied, terrified, torn apart and ruined.
I named this post creative escapes because since I was little I was into imagination, fantasy and the like. That is shamed often in society for some reason. I have returned to ways of creativity that I knew would help me as a child to be able to feel human in a world that is often extremely brutal. Computer games are one, writing is another.
I felt terrorized by the fragility of the body and of life yesterday, and the ruthlessness of suffering and trauma on the body and mind. Today I was reminded that the nature does try to heal itself in ways it can. But still I am aware how fragile everything is and how suffering is intertwined in everything and how extreme the suffering can be.
I’m hoping it rains tonight, gently.