Painting Quan Yin
Note: I do not yet have my computer back and don’t know when it will be returned to me so I am still writing on my phone. It is not easy to write on my phone so please excuse the many spelling errors
Triggers: cutting description and self harm
I had a breakdown earlier today. My rage at the terrible amount of suffering in the world and that I’ve experienced flooded out. I began to rant and curse about the state of the world. My pain was overwhelming and I asked the Mother God if I could die now because I don’t want to be in this world anymore.
I ranted to one of my brothers and my mom which made them sad and upset, but I could not hold back my rage and sadness over the world.
I gently cut myself, a very small unnotticable cut lIke a scratch, after I broke down. The pain in my heart was and is so unbearable. I made sure to clean my flesh before and use a sterile object. My body is very weak already and slow healing so all the more I must be careful against wounds becoming Infected. Anyone who self harms must protect themselves as best they can in this way.
The cut calmed me, like a gentle lover witnessing all my pain.
Afterward I was calmed some and resolved to think on Quan Yin some more.
I sometimes now refer to her as ‘My Princess’ in my thoughts. I know she was sad at, but understand my self harming. I know she understands anyone who self harms as she herself experienced being torn apart by suffering and destroyed by it, having to be remade.
I paint and decided to paint a picture of her as I want to create a small meditation like space in my room were I can think on her compassion.
I finished painting the picture and found the process of painting it very peaceful. During painting it came to me that not only is there a grave lack of compassion within the spirit world right now which effects humans but there is a great lack of compassion in nature. There is constant brutality in nature, with animals, insects, fire and the like.
Nature does not reflect the essence of Quan Yin right now, which is why nature destroys people In terrible ways. There are some parts of nature that do reflect Quan Yins compassion, but there is still too much brutality and I feel she mourns nature too.
Quan yin today whispered gently to my spirit that the day will come when compassion will be restored and those suffering will be comforted.
I just spent some time with my mom and spoke with my brother and felt peace as my mom said she saw how much Ive been trying to be well and my brother expressed he just wants me to be happy.
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