The Indifferent Universe and Sensitives
I stopped writing on this blog for a time because my life became so miserable and unbearable that I had no ability to write or reflect on the horror of my life. Even writing right now feels very painful and re-traumatizing. Many more terrible thing have happened since I last wrote which I am unable to process right now, nor will I probably ever fully be able to.
I want to write about something because it is important.
I KNOW, not believe or think, I KNOW, that many people have experienced deep shame and suffering from the indifferent nature of the universe. The universe is not the same as God to me ( if there is a God). To say God is the universe is to say he is both cruel and merciful( which is of course the same thing we are taught when we are told to believe in hell, but anyway..). I don’t believe in a cruel God, if there is a God, he is not a torturer.
I have experienced torture through my illness, for years, and an eternity of torture would be only capable of a unthinkably evil God. I dont believe it.
Back to the universe. The universe doesnt give a fuck. It doesnt care if you fall break your leg and rot in a desert. It doesnt care if your family starves, very very slowly. It doesnt care if it rains on you or if you dehydrate to death. Nature may be very beautiful at times. I am still in awe every time it rains, but I also know nature doesnt give a fuck and would just as well wipe me out and torture me with illness( which it is currently doing).
The universe is particularly brutal on the sensitive. Dont believe me? I dont care.
All it takes is looking at the side of the road, Oh?! what do you see there?! A deer -.-
It is no irony that for many years I have felt loathing when I see deer, and it triggered my own self loathing. Why? Because I am much like a deer. I am sensitive and fragile and easily destroyed and ruined.
I used to not care for butterflies much, though I am very much like the creatures. Why? Because they are fragile. They get torn by rain.
If you dont see this in nature, I dont care. I see it, and I feel it, and I know it in my being.
It is a deep wound for all mankind, but I believe suffering sensitives are more aware of it.
The Universe does not care about our life, our well being, our health, our sanity, our bodies, our families, our whole collective mankind. If you dont think that affects us, and our spirits, and our health- you are wrong. It effects us deeply, not all aware of it though.
I have fought to keep from absorbing the great evils I have experienced from a indifferent universe, and it is still very hard. I have internalized the violence I have experienced by the universe and I frequently feel that the whole of the universe does not want me here, that I am not supposed to be here. It is extremely painful for me.
I hope to bring some awareness to this issue.
Sensitive one, it is not your imagination, the universe is indifferent: beautiful, horrible, rich, mysterious and indifferent. It does effect our spirit, bodies and mental, emotional health to realize that the Universe does not care about our lives, our growth or our destruction.
I do think there are light beings( such as angels, healing spirits that I think can speak through nature* but I still do not see this as being compassion from the universe, the universe to me is indifferent, it is the light spirit that shows compassion*) within the universe that do care, but unfortunately they are not there for many in times of need and there abilities are obviously limited, as well as any God spirit in this universe.
Sensitives must accept they are the butterfly and the deer- and be tender to themselves, because those who are not highly sensitives will not understand this.
“The total amount of suffering per year in the natural world is beyond all decent contemplation. During the minute that it takes me to compose this sentence, thousands of animals are being eaten alive, many others are running for their lives, whimpering with fear, others are slowly being devoured from within by rasping parasites, thousands of all kinds are dying of starvation, thirst, and disease. It must be so. If there ever is a time of plenty, this very fact will automatically lead to an increase in the population until the natural state of starvation and misery is restored. In a universe of electrons and selfish genes, blind physical forces and genetic replication, some people are going to get hurt, other people are going to get lucky, and you won’t find any rhyme or reason in it, nor any justice. The universe that we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but pitiless indifference.”
― Richard Dawkins, River Out of Eden: A Darwinian View of Life
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