Death

My life is unbearable.
I wish I was dead.
But I feel guilt about killing myself and leaving my parents and brothers and friends to suffer– or I would have killed myself already, happily.

I hate being alive.

I hate existing.

Every part of my being, emotionally, physically, mentally. I am in complete agony and have been for a cruel amount of time.

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2 Comments

  1. Hey there, I’m Levak. I noticed your comment on Satina’s blog, and figured I’d give yours a look, beginning around November 2014, as that was a pivotal time in my own journey. This was the closest, so yeah, if you see me commenting on stuff that was written a while ago, that’s why. 🙂

    Introduction aside…

    …I can totally relate to the sentiments expressed in this post of yours. I’ve been down that dark, ugly road before, many times. I came close twice. Ultimately, it’s not the answer.

    This world is a fucked up place – granted. I don’t know your story, so I don’t know your reasons, nor am I suggesting that I want to know, but being in a similar position not too long ago, I can relate.

    I hope I’m not taking you to a darker point in your timeline and forcing you to remember things you want to forget; simply, I’m trying to say you’re not alone. A lot of people are vibrating at low frequencies, and that makes it difficult for those who are not. I know a lot of people who claim to be Indigo, Crystal Children, have Elohim DNA, etc. preach Love and Light. And that’s how it would be in an ideal world, but that’s not how it currently is. And it’s a long time away. So when someone like yourself is born onto this planet, things get really fucked up because of whatever circumstances you have around you limiting your true potential, and prohibiting you from just being you. You don’t want to conform to a society you don’t believe in, and it feels like there is no other choice, leading to a lot of agony and frustration. I apologize if I’m wrong at all; that’s just what I’ve observed in myself and it just feels like that’s what’s being projected in your words.

    I used to question the meaning of existence all the time. “What’s the fucking point? We’re born, we do shit, and then we die. Fuck Heaven and Hell – I hope the Atheists are right. And if God is real, I want that asshole to erase me from existence entirely once I’m dead.” It’s a pretty morbid way of looking at it, but that’s how it goes when you get in a depressive mindset. But it’s ironic, because you can use that same logic to justify being yourself and doing the things you want, effectively ending the depressive cycle with the same manner of thinking, just with a different attitude. “Loooooool, there’s no point in existence broskinis. That means I can do whatever I want, be whatever I want, without any self-pressure to conform to any particular way of being or thinking.” Life is a joke: you either get it or you don’t. Sure, people might judge you, and your dreams might fail. But fuck it, at the end of the day you lived life the way you want.

    Think about it this way (and this is what I’ve recently started to adopt). Perhaps people like you and I are on this planet for the sole purpose of spiritual enlightenment, both for our individual selves and the people in our lives. Let’s forget about Hell and all the fear-propaganda religion forces upon us. If you’re an Indigo, then surely you chose to be here for a reason. Committing suicide defeats the purpose of even embarking on this particular journey. That alone should deter you, not the twisted, paraphrased indoctrination of what Hell is and how you can wind up there.

    So whatever shitty situation you’re in, don’t give up. Some people coast through life on the coattails of their parents’ success or by conforming to what is and not caring about what it should be like. If you get through it remaining true to yourself and true to love/light, you’re further ahead of them by lifetimes, and much more prepared for whatever lies beyond.

    • Levak thank you for this post and your other posts 🙂 thank you for your kindness in writing them, and telling me I am not alone.
      My aura is Indigo and I feel connected to what is written on Indigos. And it did resonate alot what you said about alot prohibiting me from just being me. That resonated deeply.
      There is sadly a lot of darkness in the world and often more than I can bare. I try to take it one day at a time, but without a doubt I have some true and permanent scars.

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