Powerlessness and God

* Passionate, and possibly triggering for those who have struggled with feeling abandoned by God.*

Despite my own personal powerlessness in my current suffering, I still feel the need to have some sort of connection with God.

I have developed a striking cognitive dissonance when it comes to God. Cognitive dissonance forms when there is competing and usually opposites between what something seems and what it actually is.

I have grown up with the concept of a protective, present God who rescues from too much harm, never giving out more than one of his can take– indeed that is what it seems God should be to my human mind.

But my personal experience with God is something very different.

Over and over I have found myself in situations of prolonged suffering in which there was no magical rescue, no timely cure, no assurance against my destruction, no comfort when I am screaming and crying to suicide hotlines and no balms for the wounds on my body or the trauma the pain has caused on  my mind. Nothing.

What there has been is the people who love me. My parents, who without them, I would be a thousand times dead. Their love is the love that makes me fight to stay alive, and the care of my brothers.

My friends who encourage me. My friends have been there.

As a romantic by constitution, I deeply wanted God to love me in my pain and rescue me as any real lover does. There is no amount of pain my parents wouldn’t suffer to save me, and there is no amount of pain I wouldn’t suffer to save them. That is love.

Song of Solomon is one of my favorite books in the bible. The King does not leave his love alone, he is with her, he is touching her, he is protecting her. He doesn’t leave her desolate to roam the streets and put a bullet hole in her head when the pain becomes too much.

I desperately wanted to/want to know God is a part of my pain– but I am learning he may not be. And it might be the case that the only way I am able to be close to God is if I view him as a powerless lover, weak and bounded– who neither saves nor applies the salve– simply because he cannot– for reasons of which I may never know.

 

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