My second Blog, and Not Doing it– And Strength

I am low on strength. One moment I may have a burst and I will have furious justice urges– I produced two post on the new blog because of it.

And then my strength crashed.

And I went back to remembering all the invalidation from doctors. I went back to remembering and I went back to the present.

I am still not well. I am still physically suffering. I still may die– and I am too tired as fuck to write and try and explain the hell I have been through today. I feel like once again I am having to “convince” even a internet audience of what I have been through, and that is extremely triggering for me– that **** makes me feel suicidal. I feel I will only be able to write it when I am out of it ( if I am ever given that mercy). Right now it is like walking back on the same battle field I lost my body and soul on.

I cant.

Today’s fathers day. I wish I could be well for my loving dad. He has suffered so much, as has my mom.

I realized yesterday that if not for them and my brothers, I would have killed myself so long ago. I would have ended this.

I love them, that is the one reason I am here.

 

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