Hard of course is an understatement but I’ll use the word anyway.
I didn’t get to go to my brother’s graduation because I felt extremely bad ( understatement). I was very sad about this, but pushed through as I always do( I cried the night before and that day– even though I can not remember the last time I cried before this). There was a dinner at my house with family and some neighbors and it turned out lovely. I tried to be as social as I could– of course worry and stress and pain never really leaves me.
I had a dream the other night that was very reflective of my personal views on faith. I will not go into it in detail but it had to do with the fact that I feel powerfully and intensely abandoned by and hated by God. I could also see my sadness and desperation for comfort in my dream.
A good friend of mine, a strong Christian, interpreted it for me after I analyzed it myself. I felt she was right about how she viewed it, and it was very similar to my own sense of the dream.
I’m still taking it day by day but I am very tired of all that I have to endure and have an existential disappointment and constant awareness of my being tortured.