Endless Suffering

I have suffered so greatly I wish I was dead and that I had never been born.

I have suffered for 4 years with little to no medical help because no doctors knew what was wrong and others were extremely invalidating.

The knowledge I have found I have found through pushing myself past the depths of hell to keep on living so I could find some answers.

There is no one who understands what I have endured. Not one person.

I have been terrified out of all comprehension but I had to deny all fear to keep going.

I don’t think most people could handle one fourth of what Ive been through.

Ive had to use every mental and emotional resource I have to keep from killing myself.

Ive had to keep on walking knowing that if I survived it was not because god was going to help me. I knew he wasn’t. I was going to have to help myself.

I have had to move on without any understanding of what happened after multiple( a day) near death experiences, and multiple experiences where my body felt so much pain that I was in shock for days after. And I wasn’t even afforded the ability to recover from my shock…I still had to find answers!

I think most people would have given up.

I know even if I survive this hell I am not going to live a happy life. I have experience too much of the horror of life to ever be fooled into feeling life is a safe happy place. I will never think that. I don’t know if I ever did think that.

I have been invalidated in extraordinary ways. I have been in more or less words told by many “medical professionals” that there was nothing severe wrong with my body.

I was invalidated in high school when I had a health issue that caused social rejection and the doctor implied that there was nothing wrong– only for me to have to experience teasing and social rejection in school.

I was invalidated when I had a severe reaction to a product that was supposed to be gentle which caused me severe pain and was the start of my four year and counting health issues and present misery. I was told that my experiences were impossible, inaccurate and misinformed.

No one will understand why I have behaved as I have, because no one knows the extent of the pain and fear I was forced to be in, especially for the last year and five months. Also, no one knows how I was given NO knowledge and everything I found out I found out by trail and ugly error– and chance. Yes, chance.

My parents have seen me work with many doctors and always baffled when I do not stick with the doctors plans– its because NO one. NOT ONE doctor had even a small understanding of all the pains and dysfunction going on in my body– and when I would tell them– there would be nothing but a look of confusion on their well meaning faces.

I have gathered bits and pieces here and there, trying to solve the ugliest puzzle imaginable.

No one knows how I have had to use all my mental strength to avoid being institutionalized, hospitalized( because I know for a fact that the hospital system would not have a clue what to do with my case and many of the test I needed they do not even offer), commit suicide, weeding out treatments and doctors that would further harm me, try to keep my parents from despair while dealing with my own crushing despair and physical pain and all without one doctor who I could completely let my guard down with and say, “Thank you for healing me.”
No. I was a sick person without a plan and without an expert.

And on top of everything else I have the ragging knowledge that I don’t have all the time in the world, a dying person has limited time.

After crying and begging to God for four years for healing and relief and help ( though I had been a Christian since a child) I gave up. I gave up.

I remember realizing God would not help me. I remember the feeling, an awful feeling– to realize that God would not rescue me. I had to rescue myself.

I remember realizing that I may have to kill myself. The last resort plan. I knew the day could become bad enough, the pain and damage irreversible enough and the invalidation unrelenting enough that that would be my only option.

I have for some weeks now had a good bye note to my parents and brothers under a pillow next to my bed, in case I died in the middle of the night because of my poor breathing, or the ice cold feeling I get where my lips turn blue…or any of those death coming signs…

It is sad. It is sad. It is sad. This is what no mercy looks like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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