Today I lost my faith
Today I lost my faith.
It was a small shift, no fireworks, nothing– and especially not any warm goodbye embrace. I know better than to expect that now.
I respect those who still believe God loves and cares for them, like my parents, my friends and those blogging who have encouraged me and reached out to me. I still will love to hear from believing bloggers as I still think that faith is something beautiful. I think God is real and I do think for some people, he really does move mountains.
But I am exhausted. I feel like I have been in abusive relationship with God, where he punches me in the face then begs me to trust him with red roses and then as I slowly begin to trust him again–he kicks me in the stomach. I can not take it anymore.
It is obvious to me that he does not treat everyone this way– but this is how he has been toward me. I do not have the trust of a victim soul– God never gave me any reason to trust him that deeply. Since I was a teen, I have experienced enormous painful experiences. It was around my teen years that I learned that God would not protect me.
He may protect some– in fact, I know he does. And I’m glad he protects some. Wish he protected everyone.
I can’t get with the whole intense suffering equaling mercy and Gods love. In fact that concept is disturbing to me.
It will still be me, Rachel, writing,