Today I lost my faith

Today I lost my faith.

It was a small shift, no fireworks, nothing– and especially not any warm goodbye embrace. I know better than to expect that now.

I respect those who still believe God loves and cares for them, like my parents, my friends and those blogging who have encouraged me and reached out to me. I still will love to hear from believing bloggers as I still think that faith is something beautiful. I think God is real and I do think for some people, he really does move mountains.

But I am exhausted. I feel like I have been in abusive relationship with God, where he punches me in the face then begs me to trust him with red roses and then as I slowly begin to trust him again–he kicks me in the stomach. I can not take it anymore.

It is obvious to me that he does not treat everyone this way– but this is how he has been toward me. I do not have the trust of a victim soul– God never gave me any reason to trust him that deeply. Since I was a teen, I have experienced enormous painful experiences. It was around my teen years that I learned that God would not protect me.

He may protect some– in fact, I know he does. And I’m glad he protects some. Wish he protected everyone.

I can’t get with the whole intense suffering equaling mercy and Gods love. In fact that concept is disturbing to me.

So,

It will still be me, Rachel, writing,

just unfortunately,

minus faith.

 

 

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. beijaflor77

    Rachel, I am of course sorry to hear you’ve lost your faith, but as someone who’s come perilously close to losing my own, and am still fighting to hang onto it every day, I cannot say I blame you. But if you can no longer believe, I will do my best to believe for you, that one day, some how, some way, God will break through all the darkness and pain in your life and reveal His amazing love for you. Because I do believe He loves you dearly, despite how you feel, and despite all you’ve been through. So you can take that or leave it–it’s up to you. Blessings to you…

    • I will gladly take those wishes and blessings April. Thank you for these words. I appreciate you saying you will do your best to believe for me. That means a lot to me. It would be great if one day I did experience that love from God. Its been a dark road and right now I am in a state of shock about it all. But as always April, your thoughtful and warm note made my day.
      -Rachel

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