I think I am Going to Loose it all


I think I am going to loose it all.

Today I had to tell my kind, compassionate counselor that I could not work with her anymore because every time I leave the house I have near death experiences. If I do not eat immediately if I have the urge I feel I will die. If I do not use the restroom right when I feel I need to I feel my whole body will shatter.

Fuck it.
I know I am going to loose it all.

Two things could happen.

I could heal.

I could embrace my parents, brother, family and friends, healed.

I could return to my counselor and grieve, mourn and find hope.

Or I could die.

I could die because of one health mistake.

Or I could die of suicide.

We will see.






  1. beijaflor77

    Rachel, just the other day I was contemplating suicide, so please know I can empathize with your feelings, but I want to assure you that your life matters (as does mine, I have to keep reminding myself!), and I hope and pray you will hang in there and that one day soon you will be healed. You are so precious in the eyes of God, even though I can’t tell you why He’s allowing you to go through so much pain. But please hang in there. I am praying for you.

    • April,
      Man oh man. This made my day. It just made my day. I am mourning what may be the loss of ability to work with my counselor. It is painful and I am still scared of not making it through this time but I will try my best to push onward. Thank you for sharing with me that you know what it feels like to contemplate suicide. Yes, you matter. I matter too. Reminding is always necessary. I forget. Perhaps you forget too? I understand. Hug.
      Hang in there too April. I gladly accept your prayers. I’m sending thoughts of protection, softness, inspiration your way. It’s your month 🙂

      • beijaflor77

        I’m so glad my meager attempt at encouragement “made your day.” I appreciate your kind words and thoughts as well. We are both on a journey where the pain often seems more than we can bear, but we CAN make it. I hope you can continue to work w/ your counselor. I know from personal experience how important having someone like that is. Hugs back!

      • I agree April, it is definitely a journey.Perhaps one day we will find out why we had to journey the places we have. Maybe on the other side there is something beautiful. Wishing us both peace in our wildernesses. One day at a time.

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