I wish it rained every day
*Graphic bodily descriptions*
Last week, two days in particular. I had severe near death experiences. My body when into shock after two experiences of severe and extremely disturbing pain. One was the feeling that all my nerves in my body had split and warped, the other was a strong feeling of being torn in half, of being torn out of myself. My body went into shock both times and I felt myself going very far off. The closest to death I have felt yet. It was torture and I still feel my mind and body has not recovered from it.
Spoke with my counselor, as I do weekly, and afterward I remembered a particularly food my body craved more than anything. I ate it and the past few days I have felt somewhat better. My body is still in shock, though a lesser degree.
I do not want to die, because I don’t want to leave my parents, brothers and those I love.
I am fighting like hell and do not want to say any goodbyes. I don’t want to stop fighting. I want to be here with those I love.
But there feels like there is something else going on as well.
Truthfully, I should be dead by now.
Something is coming.
My cousin and I spoke today and she said she dreamed of me being pregnant. My grandma also told me last year she dreamed I was pregnant and giving birth.
I know something is coming.
I hope it is not death
I hope it is healing
and my sense is it may be. But death is still everywhere on me.
The other day it was raining a beautiful rain.
For a few minutes I realized I was just staring at it.
I wish it rained every day.
April is coming.