Worried, Stress, No Rest of Mind
* A darker post.* Topics of disbelief, death, rage at God, suicidal thoughts and despair. Do not read if this will trigger or upset you.
I’m sitting here with a beautiful and dark, dying blue sky outside my window and I am wondering if I should write letters for my parents, brothers, friends and family in the case of my death.
A great thing for a 26 year old to have to ponder.
My parents don’t know that I am fighting to survive for them and heal from my physical deterioration. I do not want to leave them alone in this sick, evil, CRAPPY world. I love them, and I want to help heal them from all the pain I caused them. I know I could never heal all the pain, but I know I can heal some. I can make them smile in their hearts again. I know I can.
I do not want to leave my brothers, because I have not always been the sister they deserved. I want to tell them about my mistakes. I want to help them. I want to tell them I am sorry for the ways I have hurt them, transferring my own binding shame onto them.
I want to tell my friends, thank you for accepting me.
I want to tell my family thank you for supporting me, for being there for me with love.
I’m wondering if I should write the letters. If I should say the words now. I have been in and out of death so many times that my mind almost feels silent. I don’t look to God these days for relief. I refuse to beg at this point anymore for mercy.
I’m just tired as hell watching my parents suffer and be brokenhearted that their daughter is extremely damaged, raging, tortured, torn apart, disbelieving, wasting away, possibly destroyed. I have broken my mom and dad’s heart and I know this.
Often I want to blow my head off with a gun, and right before to say to God “Is this what you want!?”
Stop reading if my words offend you.
I have no desire to please anyone with my words. I write to be honest. To stay sane. To self soothe and to help others suffering– that is all.
I don’t know what the hell to do. I am in a state of shock.
Is this really life?