Since the Last time I wrote
Since the last time I wrote I had to get checked for a colon preforation from the procedure. There was no injury from the procedure.
The pain was the air that was put in me during the procedure which caused cramping for several days.
The doctor said the muscles in my colon were contracted and very tense.
I am not suprised, my whole body muscles are pulled and tormented.
I think my mind was dying for a while, and by a while, I mean 7 months. The unbearable physical pain I was in and the pressure to be well again was making me extremely suicidal and feeling like I wanted to shoot myself in the head. I still feel there is a possibility I am going to mentally fall apart and go out of myself because of the torture I have been through.
I feel great empathy now for people who have had their minds damaged and who’s minds have been destroyed. I can think of no hell worse than that and society, doctors and counselors need more empathy and understanding that anyone who’s mind is traumatized or damaged is because the person experienced unbearable hells.
I feel God, Jesus, any angels have left me alone to fend for myself.
These past 7 months, when my physical pain became out of hand excruciating, I slowly started loosing all my personal power. Memory problems, excruciating physical pain, unable to think, unable to stand up for myself, unable to make decisions, unable to handle any stress, fear overwhelming me, easily able to abandon myself, constantly doing things I couldn’t and did not want to do.
My adrenal test came back only slightly abnormal. A low normal and high normal.
I think I know what is and has been killing me.
I believe I have a Severe magnesium and choline deficiency ( a type of b vitamin) or sulfur deficiency or both.
I have TMJ
severe hearing sensitivity
chronic muscle pain
inability to regulate sugar normally
hair falling out
loss of strength of smell and taste
loss of oxygen/severe anemia
I have been having violent cravings for eggs, coffee, grapefruit, chocolate, broccoli these past few months and when I was eating those things I started to feel a great deal better, but I was under so much stress and my brain was and is so damaged I forgot how much those foods were making me feel better, as I was really loosing hold on my mind, and I stopped caring for myself.
I was once again dissociating and just wanting to die.
I did a extremely poor job of explaining my physical pain to anyone the past months, not my parents, not my naturopath or counselor- because I felt myself dying and I was desperately searching for answers. I felt if I was put in a hospital I would be IN TROUBLE. I didn’t feel the allopathic test would detect my deterioration. I didn’t have the energy to convince anyone of my dying, I had no energy to even remember many of the words I just said.
I feel pretty messed up right now, unsure if for real this is the cure and it will save me. I’m afraid that my damage will not reverse and I will die despite it all or my mind will fall apart. A part of me still wants to die because I have been tortured.