Today I am sad
A few days ago I had the sigmoidoscopy.
Afterward I asked myself if it was necessary for me. I found it very painful and traumatic. It honestly felt like a symbolic moment of all my suffering. Powerless and feeling very violated, feeling trapped and being hurt where I was most vulnerable. It was a pinnacle.
I could sense it coming because the week before I was at an ultimate low. I think my will was broken. I was crying to a guy friend on the phone, asking him to get me a gun so I could kill myself. That’s how low I was.
As for the procedure this week, I felt very depressed after it and just went to sleep for the rest of the day.
Yesterday I stared to have pretty intense soreness in my intestines( yes, I can feel it).
I feel pretty miserable because I am afraid maybe the doctor accidently preforated my colon. I have to go in tomorrow morning for a xray to get it checked.
I feel numb right now and scared. I am tired of suffering. After the sigmoidoscopy, as my mom drove me home, I felt sad.
My colon area was not hurting this way before, only yesterday and today.
I am constantly afraid of dying because my body is so fragile and it really would take little to make my body die.
I have found that if there is a pain or torment that could injure me, it happens. Many of my worst fears have come true in my young life.
I once thought God was in control of everything, even my suffering and that gave me some comfort but I no longer can feel that he controls this.
The pain I have gone through and many others go through is ridiculous and miserable suffering that does one thing: destroys.
I used to think all pain had a redemptive purpose. I don’t feel that way anymore. What I feel now, is that the world is fallen and some suffering falls heavily on some and light on others- like rain.
If God ordained this suffering for me, I think that would be unbelievably cruel. There. I said it.
All I could think is that it would be just like God to let me die of a preforated colon, something supposedly so rare, when all I was trying to do was find answers.
Yes, I am angry and the sad fact is I have no one else that has the power to get me to a place of healing, besides God, and I am most afraid of him because there is no pain he will keep me from.
Ive tried to talk to Jesus these past days, especially since I am so scared. He knew misery and I sense, that he is drawn to my suffering, as he is to anyone suffering and anyone miserable– because he knew misery.
He knows I am mad at him too. I feel, if he loved me, why is he watching me suffer so much. I feel so sad just thinking of this.
But with him, he may be powerless to help me in some way, and I often am furious at this, but I do think he feels a chronic desire to be near the sad, miserable, dying, suicidal, desperate, broken, dark, crushed.
I told myself I need to stop being so afraid of death, where as I surely can be terrified of my pain, but with death– that is the one thing that I think Jesus is the gatekeeper for.