A Necessary X-Ray

*Graphic post.*

The past few days I have felt a mix of hopelessness and knowing that I needed to draw from whatever place inside me may know answers.

I thought about where I thought the “wound” in me was. My hand landed on my stomach.

Since I came home, beginning of 2013 I have gone to doctors and my first and most lasting complaint, even before fatigue, was the extreme fullness in my stomach and my sense of a bad blockage.

A doctor said I had IBS. Made sense. I added more fiber, nothing changed.

Other doctors put their hands on my stomach and said things like it felt fine, felt good to them, felt like nothing was in there.

( Hum….wait for it.)

Another doctor had me do a sonogram and because I’m not a medical person I was certain that they were checking for my stomach. In fact I’d asked that and I was told it was checking my stomach. Read on sonograms online and the intestines, colon and stomach is not visible on sonograms.

I had a MRI thinking I was being checked for my stomach.

I am in the process of finding this out now, but I think the doctor only checked my gallbladder and not my stomach despite telling me she was going to be able to look for a fullness in stomach or blockage.

Long story short.

All this time I thought one of my primary concerns was being addressed. It wasn’t. A horrific feeling but I’m too tired to rage like I want to right now.

Finally today was given a X-Ray of my stomach and I am extremely full of toxins. It’s a wonder anything works in my body and this may make sense as to why every part of me is failing. It is real bad.

I am hoping I can cleanse myself out with the routine the doctor has for me but I have a sense that it is not going to be that easy. My concern is that some, if not most, may be impacted.

I hope the cleanse will take the toxins out of me.

I want this nightmare to be over. I felt particularly detached from life today because I hate that life is a place where people sometimes cant get their basic needs met, like health.

Also when I was around people today at the doctors, I was reminded how noticeably damaged I am. It makes me have to have more compassion on myself because I process pain as a highly sensitive, so pain or destruction may appear on me differently.

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