Another Argument with My Dad

My dad clear as day expressed that he thinks I am being selfish, that I have no accountability to anyone but myself, that the reason I didn’t clean my room the past week and struggled to do it the the other day was a matter of foolishness and lack of accountability, not physical pain.

I have been emotionally abandoned by both of my parents in the worst suffering of my life. I will never forget that.

I could feel my heart beating fast and feeling cold, my blood pressure lowering, while my dad was yelling at me. My parents are suprised at my anger and attitude toward them- I am not.

My frail body has got to get better as soon as possible as I am dealing with constant invalidation and stress in my house.

The truth always comes out and one day they will both know I was not being selfish, foolish, nor did I have a lack of accountability- but that I was suffering extremely and unrelentingly.

Counseling tomorrow which I am glad about because it is much needed.

My suffering is so merciless, leaving me so few places of comfort, having destroyed my body, injured my clarity of thought, even my ability to connect with the part of me that is most me-my emotions. It has been so ruthless and impossible I am left to really wonder where God is.

I do feel he has abandoned me and I don’t feel to be able to pray to him at all but I know Jesus is attracted to the miserable, broken down and destroyed and I am surely that. I could use a rescue.

Maybe for some unfathomable reason in my worst suffering it was planned that emotionally my parents would leave me.

I have the weirdest feeling that I have to go through this hell. That I have to.

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