Today

Today was hard. I woke up with severe pack pain that began hours after I had to strain to clean my room.

Today I still have severe back pain where I can not bend over, I have to lower myself via my legs and then pick an item up. It feels like all the muscles and tendons and nerves in my lower back are beat and torn up.

My dad asked me like five times today to finish my laundry which I am finishing up now.

My mom and I had a “talk” that ended up in her screaming at me for being “stubborn” and not doing the chores and that I will end up in a nursing home  being feed if I don’t move my muscles and me with an attitude, of course, as I feel my already weak heart beating rapidly.

Then I had to call a help hotline and a suicide hotline.

Was in a self destructive place yet again.

There is no “right” way to handle this situation in my life I’ve learned– their is only suffering.

My mom said I do not know all the pain I’ve caused.

Hum. I know it too well. I know it daily and I know it constantly which is why I frequently feel too burdensome and damaged to live on this earth. If that’s not “knowing” the pain I caused I don’t know what is.

I know I am weak enough to not get out of bed. I don’t do it because I am afraid that my parents will put me in a hospital or try to diagnosis my situation themselves.

I don’t want to go to a hospital because I feel that allopathic test and diagnosis will not work in the suffering I am currently experiencing, as it has not yet. I don’t want to be trapped in a hospital. I think that’s one of my worst fears at this point. If it was a different sense of suffering I would happily comply in being placed in a hospital for healing for the length it took but I have a strong sense that in this case, that is not the place I will find healing.

I feel I am on the right course with the naturopath I’m working with and looking into adrenal fatigue, food alergies and insulin issues.

I constantly feel maybe I should just not get out of bed and perhaps my parents will see the severity of my fatigue, maybe my getting up and dragging myself around the house and communicating and seeming alive( even though most of the time I look like a zombie) has confused them.

Either way, in my heart I know I don’t have the option to fully lay in my bed- which is what my body is craving to do- because at this point the last thing I want is for my parents feel compelled to “take over” the situation which I feel would result in much more suicidal urges on my part.

I wish I never had to go through this and I wish my parents and family didn’t have to either but I can not magically erase this hell or I would.

This hell is realer than real and my only option at this point is through flames.

The reading I did last night helped me today though, I felt a greater peace with the fact that I’ve been chronically misunderstood through my life and gained some confidence in my ability to heal despite the constant trauma and panic I am in.

Alaska

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