Thoughts on my Sensitivity

I have been hurt so many times and in unbearable ways, and much of that time my suffering was not seen by those around me for its magnitude.

I am an idealist, I am sensitive, I am extremely passionate, very romantic.

At 26 I have learned that I do not like this world and I will never fully feel safe in it. I have given the world the benefit of the doubt and I have seen it and in my experience it is merciless. People do not always get what they need, and there are no limits to the suffering a person can feel.

I have said this before and it is painfully true. My pain threshold is dead.

I have no more of the ability to handle the pain’s that people at my age should be able to.

I know I will not be able to handle the normal pains of a close and intimate relationship like marriage.

I know I will not be able to handle the normal pain of childbirth and raising children.

I used to want both deeply. I don’t want either any more because when what is considered a normal pain to other sends me crying in a corner or suicidal no one will understand because no one has lived my life. One more trauma will be one trauma too much.

I have made a deal more or less with myself to try my best to “stay alive” and not end my life but with that has come sacrifices because instinctually I know there are things and dreams I will never be able to have again because I have suffered numerous times past my pain threshold.

No one will protect me. I have seen this a million times, if I don’t protect myself. And my trust in God, that’s something I’m not even up to going into right now.

I realized he would let me suffer anything, minus nothing.

So, having decided to try my best to stay on this earth, I will do, what I know,  in my own spirit I need to do to not feel further torn apart.

Even if I heal physically, I will be social in the ways I naturally can, around close friends and family, around art, but besides that I am leaning toward a life that remains in a type of isolation.

I want to write, write alot, publish alot. I want to touch lives. I want to be vulnerable when I can. But ultimately I want to be safe and alone.

I imagine, if my journey is longer than it seems it will be I will meet other people on the trail that have isolated themselves for the same reason as me.

Beautiful Oregon landscape

Advertisements

4 Comments

  1. Hi fellow adrenal fatiguer! My doctor also put me onto the James Wilson book, which is a fantastic wealth of information. You might also want to try ‘Are you Tired and Wired?’ which is an easier read. And what I just started today is ‘Spent: End Exhaustion and Feel Great Again’ which is proving to be a lovely read. I have now had 4 months off work to get my health back: meditating, Yin Yoga (off you-tube so I don’t even have to leave the house for a class http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMdRYl_qezk. Yin Yoga is very gentle, lovely and relaxing), and eating super healthy foods, juicing, supplements, spending as much time as I can in my garden or other nature, and as little stress as possible. After 4 months of this I am feeling so much better. But what I really felt compelled to tell you when I started reading your blog is, have you heard of Indigo Children? It was the first thought that popped into my mind when I read this post. You could google it and see if it resonates with you at all. If it does, it might be helpful. All the very best to you.
    PS: You write really well 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your message. 🙂 It encouraged me greatly.
      I am sorry you have suffered with adrenal fatigue. I am glad to read you were able to take time off work to heal your body and that you are treating it gentle.
      Thank you for recommending those two other books and the Yin Yoga. I am excited about checking them out. Ive never heard of yin yoga but it sounds excellent.
      Thank you for telling me about the indigo children/aura. It resonated deeply with me. Reading about it gave me so much strength. I had a rough day yesterday and reading of it I felt calmed and inspired that if I listen to my inner self that I may be fine after all. 🙂
      I don’t know how to express how much I loved reading about the aura’s, particularly the indigo aura.
      The indigo aura hit home.
      Thank you for your comment about my writing. You write well also and I like your blog nature picture and nourishing feel of the posts.
      I will be reading your blog fellow sojourner.
      -Rachel

  2. I’m so glad you liked reading about indigos. The book ‘Care and Feeding of Indigo Children’ might be helpful also.
    Regarding adrenal fatigue, I think it’s somehow a lesson in unconditional love. I know for me, this time off work has been precious. It is the first time in my life that I have really listened to my body and done exactly what it needed. From little things like, is this food right for me, to the big questions like, should I return to my job or not. Meditating helps this hugely. I love it in James Wilson’s book where he says ‘Each day is a new opportunity to be kind to yourself and your body’ (p 243). I think that’s what it’s all about.
    With regards to the pain you experience, maybe you might want to check out ‘The Mindbody Prescription’? (BTW I get all these books from my local public library, ie readily available and not expensive!) or the TMS wiki and forum (http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/). Some of the personal stories on the forum or in the book might feel familiar. If they do, this process might also be useful for you. xx

    • Thank you so much for sharing all these wonderful resources with me! I am excited about looking into the Care and Feeding of Indigo Children and The Mindbody Prescription. I am trying to make sure to read some of James Wilson’s book everyday. It is very encouraging. I really like that quote you mentioned.
      The forum looks like something I will be spending time reading carefully. Reading testimonies of other pain sufferers finding cures gives hope every time.
      I agree with what you said about adrenal fatigue being a lesson in unconditional love. I love how you explain how it has taught you to listen to your body and be connected to your body.
      I am learning that too as I read Wilson’s book. I am having to learn to be kind to myself more for my many life mistakes and wounds, and remind my body that wounds are okay, mistakes human, and that healing is possible.
      One day at a time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: