Thoughts on my Sensitivity
I have been hurt so many times and in unbearable ways, and much of that time my suffering was not seen by those around me for its magnitude.
I am an idealist, I am sensitive, I am extremely passionate, very romantic.
At 26 I have learned that I do not like this world and I will never fully feel safe in it. I have given the world the benefit of the doubt and I have seen it and in my experience it is merciless. People do not always get what they need, and there are no limits to the suffering a person can feel.
I have said this before and it is painfully true. My pain threshold is dead.
I have no more of the ability to handle the pain’s that people at my age should be able to.
I know I will not be able to handle the normal pains of a close and intimate relationship like marriage.
I know I will not be able to handle the normal pain of childbirth and raising children.
I used to want both deeply. I don’t want either any more because when what is considered a normal pain to other sends me crying in a corner or suicidal no one will understand because no one has lived my life. One more trauma will be one trauma too much.
I have made a deal more or less with myself to try my best to “stay alive” and not end my life but with that has come sacrifices because instinctually I know there are things and dreams I will never be able to have again because I have suffered numerous times past my pain threshold.
No one will protect me. I have seen this a million times, if I don’t protect myself. And my trust in God, that’s something I’m not even up to going into right now.
I realized he would let me suffer anything, minus nothing.
So, having decided to try my best to stay on this earth, I will do, what I know, in my own spirit I need to do to not feel further torn apart.
Even if I heal physically, I will be social in the ways I naturally can, around close friends and family, around art, but besides that I am leaning toward a life that remains in a type of isolation.
I want to write, write alot, publish alot. I want to touch lives. I want to be vulnerable when I can. But ultimately I want to be safe and alone.
I imagine, if my journey is longer than it seems it will be I will meet other people on the trail that have isolated themselves for the same reason as me.
Beautiful Oregon landscape
- Posted in: Uncategorized