Waking up with one thought in my mind: TO LEAVE
I woke up and my legs hurt so badly that I felt like someone had been beating on them with a hammer in the middle of the night. My head hurt and all I could think of was that I have to leave this house.
This is sad. At the worst point of suffering and despair I am an emotional outcast in my house.
I have been told “You don’t know what pain is.” by my brother.
I have been told that I needed pills by both my parents.
I have been told nothing is wrong with me and that it is all in my head by my grandma.
If anything I have incredible mental strength to deal with constant well meaning invalidation all the while I am suffering to the point of frequent dissociation.
It is why, though there is family around, I’ve always known that to some degree I am extremely alone- because I am not understood.
It is why I have severe trust issues because those closest to me can’t see me in the most basic ways.
It is why I have self destructive urges, because invalidation is a type of psychological torture.
All I can think is that no one can judge my pain or anger unless they have lived exactly what I have.
I have been told by two natural doctors and other people that I would not be able to heal in my house because of the intense stress I am under.
Sadly, I now know they were true.
I have either had no energy to move out before or I was filled with fear at my unanswered questions for my ongoing physical distress. At points I was in severe dissociation where I had little to no sense of my self because of the pain I was under. I have had dissociation last months of this past year.
I was afraid, to leave meant to leave with no answers and no path that was clear cut to help me, and to still be under severe pain.
I am reading that adrenal fatigue book, I wont have my saliva test results back till close to the end of this month but reading the book and following it is helping my system in small ways, but ways that matter.
I feel I minus well take my chances and find a place where I can have some peace even if all I do is lay on the bed for a month.
I will never forgive myself if I do not try to preserve myself if right now I am seeing a opening.
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