Another Bad Today
Today was yet another bad day.
Today I am doing my saliva test which I was very happy about to be tested for adrenal fatigue.
Of course today me and mom got in an argument. My mom is angry because my room is a mess and has been on and off for this whole year. She feels that I am not “trying” hard enough to keep my space neat.
I told her for the millionth time, that every single day I am doing my best. She obviously does not believe this.
My parents think my incapacitation is due to lack of motivation and slight weakness. Nope. My incapacitation is due to DEBILITATING WEAKNESS. Every inch of my body, wherever there is a nerve and a freaking muscle there is screaming, nerve splitting pain and weakness. I have it every single day. I am also DEAD- like weak. Have you seen zombies? That is my energy, except they can actually go longer distances than I can.
Humm…it makes me wonder. Damn. What does it take for someone to know that you are severely physically weak?
I told my friend on the phone flat out today that I was so distraught that I wanted to kill myself ( and I’ve felt this way many times this year- most always after being invalidated or misunderstood). I used much more graphic words than that.
A large part of me does want to die. I want the endless pain and misunderstanding to be over. I am in the worse pain and sadness Ive ever been in my life and it has gone MISUNDERSTOOD. It is not heartbreaking it is heart-smashing.
I don’t like life. I don’t like that at age 26 I have suffered so bad that suicide actually looks beautiful.
I am disillusioned that those closest to me could have such a lack of knowledge about who I am as a person.
I am so crushed right now that I don’t even care.
My heart was beating so fast during the argument that I was thinking “great, go on body, do it, stroke out, I want you to”.
I did want it to. I don’t really want to be here right now. There is no mercy in my life right now. And no, breath right now, is not mercy.
I am suffering so severely and every aspect of my suffering and person-hood is constantly misunderstood.
It is constant endless torture physically and mentally.