Thoughts of the Future
On Christmas morning when I opened the blinds from my bedroom there was a cardinal bird on the yard.
For me it was inspiring ( read old post on cardinals).
I had a very nice Christmas. My energy ran low since I was more active yesterday than I usually am and was aware of some ongoing concerns but ultimately it was a blessed Christmas.
Today I felt a bit beat down by my hurts but I tried to remind myself God is control- but it was hard to feel peace about it.
The pain has all gone very deep. Limits have been shattered and I sense they will not grow back.
I feel a lot of things right now. I feel confused at how so much went painfully wrong these past years, I am in shock, I am terrified of God leaving me in this pain forever, I am hopeful that something must change soon, I am sad about it all, I want to cry a very very long time, I am in moments silently angry and intensely jaded. I am eager to be freed from this place of suffering.
Tonight I am not going to beat up on myself for not being able to heal faster, for not magically finding a way out of this physical pain- I am just going to keeping waiting and hoping.
There is a larger story here, even though I long for it and don’t see it– surely it must be there.