The Need for Understanding
I believe everyone has a general need to be understood for who they are, their needs, desires, emotions and the like.
In my life I have experienced the pain of being misunderstood many many times. I think it is because of that that I have a deep
need to be understood, particularly for my pain, physically and emotionally.
Today I felt some deep sadness and some anger over not only having to deal with painful physical damage but it being frequently and in many different ways told to me that it is not real.
Today I felt so overwhelmed by that additional and relentless burden of constantly having to be ashamed of my physical pain that I began to talk to Jesus in my mind, basically begging for him to comfort me and to let me know he knows the degree of my physical pain these past years and still, that he understands my pain, and how I often am tortured by it.
The constant misunderstanding often makes me feel worthless.
I have read Jesus has a heart for the broken, sick and damaged. From Bible testimonies of healing I saw that Jesus is very compassionate to the injured and doesn’t fear even the worst of wounds.
I kind of feel terribly alone tonight in my pain- not for lack of trying though. My family is deeply loving, its just because doctors have not been able to cure my physical pain yet, doctors often discount it which leads to my family believing my pain is not as bad as it really is. And I am not helping because I am ashamed of the severity of my pain and I often don’t even express when I’m in deep pain so no one knows how weak and dilapidated I truly am. I have a bad habit of walking around like everything okay even if I’m screaming inside.
I also don’t want to crush my parents by constantly telling them “I hurt. I hurt. I hurt.” I fear it will break them down since there is no immediate cure or clear path to healing. They know I am pain. They definitely do. They see my pain and they hurt deeply over it. What they don’t how is how bad it has been, the degree of the pain, that frequently it has been past my limits to the point of feeling driven out of myself by it.
I don’t want to be unknown in my life experiences.
Tonight I feel vulnerable, full of need, afraid and wounded. I’m ashamed of how much I am in need of comfort- but it is what it is.
It’s been a long road and I’m still walking and a large part of me wants rest and for Jesus to hug me and say, “I know” and to know it all.
Thanks for bearing with me in my pain rant tonight.