Learning to Be at Peace with A Damaged Self
One of the hardest parts of this whole season/ endless trial is seeing my visual damage on my body, in my eyes, my aura. I can feel my damage and whenever I interact with people outside my family( very infrequently) I can feel my damage even more. It freaks me out, to say the least, that at 26, this is who I am. I do feel different, because in my age group, no one around me is as damaged and shut down as I am. Everyone has trauma and pain, but my parents and brothers and the few friends I keep in touch with on the phone are functioning and have not danced with deaths several rounds and pending like I have.
Therefore I often feel strange, different and like I don’t fit in anywhere, except for spaces where other people are deeply damaged too. God willing that I make it through this trail, I think that is where I want to be- with others who are hurting deeply. I feel that my spirit will be at peace there. I feel my purpose, if I get the chance to manifest it, is there.
I am working on embracing every inch of my damage. Maybe they are testaments not to weakness but deep strength. And even if they are also testaments to my weakness, that, I am learning, must be okay too.
One day at a time.
A painting by one of my favorite contemporary artist, Kimberly Conrad