Thinking about Life

Today I was thinking about life. It has not gone as I have planned or even hoped, but my unspoken prayer is that God is still in control.

It hurts to think about how my suffering has changed me. I am more timid in many ways, less optimistic.

It hurts to think of how I have hurt my parents because of my frequent sadness, pain and anger.

I am often afraid to be vulnerable in any way, because I don’t feel I can afford to be hurt even in the smallest ways. So often I am hard, sometimes cynical, sarcastic, bitter. At times I am very detached because of emotional or physical pain. It hurts me deeply knowing what my parents and brothers have gone through, often I try not to think of it.

Frankly, what I know about life makes me afraid of it. I was never afraid of life before these past years.

My desire is to take each day, be gentle with myself about my mistakes and try my best to get to a place were I can go back into the world. That is the prayer so tender and mixed with pain in my heart that I can no longer voice it– but it is always a groaning in me.

Last night I thought about the cardinals I saw months ago.

I wonder if it was a sign, what I hoped for, or was I looking for everything and anything that could give me hope.
I hope it was a sign.

I believe it was a sign.


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