Mistake

I really prefer natural remedies and find naturopathic doctors have been much more compassionate and helpful with my suffering.

That being said. I am under insurance still, living in my parents house, and they are much more trusting and comfortable in Allopathic/Western medicine. I am not trusting or comfortable with it at all.

My endocrinology appointment is in about an hour and I want to cancel. My experience of the MRI( which came back normal) was tragic. I flipped out and dissociated afterword because I can not handle much physical pain at all at this point. It took about a week for me to stop severely feeling out of my body. A part of me is always out of myself these days though because of the nature of my traumas. I am always hovering slightly over myself as my counselor has made aware to me.

I can feel it.

I feel I made a mistake by going to the endocrinologist today. To a doctor it may sound crazy that I would even want to deny any of their referrals. The truth is doctors have no idea what is wrong with me, but I do.

For about a year when I was on my own I had a very restrictive eating habits because an allergy to a certain ingredient in many meats and other foods. I believe that damaged me greatly.

Also I had several trauma’s that shocked my system so badly that I had a host of symptoms afterward and the damage of my body was never healed.

I have trauma’s dating eight years back, that have never been fully healed that have eaten away at my energy, body and soul.

I do not want to get blood drawn today. It is not uncommon for me to pass out after bloodwork or intense stress. I do not want to repeat my story to a doctor that does not understand the way trauma impacts the body, nor nutritional deficiences. I do not want any drugs and I find those are steadily pushed like a ocean wave to the shore in allopathic medicine. I am not against them if a person genuinely feels they are benefited by them, but I have always had a sense that it would be very harmful to me because of my sensitivity and proneness to intense reactions to medicine.

I am biting the bullet today and going in because I told my mom I would and she said she would take me and now its 50 min from now and I have no chance I feel to get out of it.
Ugh.
I hope I can afford to loose the blood I am loosing.

I had ample time to think of it all this morning and this will be my last allopathic visit for a long time. I cant take one more shot. The middle of my arm looks awful and feels like a broken hinge. I will stay after this where I feel heard and understood in natural care.

Wish me luck

-Rachel

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