i feel compelled to keep writing. I feel it is important for me to write now more than ever because I have been at my most vulnerable, but also, I am hoping again.
This has been such a long and impossible healing journey that I am frequently afraid of making any wrong move, I am terrified of prolonging my suffering even for a second or worsening it. My thought, memories and emotions have been very foggy this past week and because I don’t feel very in touch with those core parts of myself, my toxic shame has been creeping back making me want to do EVERYTHING PERFECT.
I am struggling to accept that there is no perfect way to get through this trial. There is no perfect way to cope or heal. There is no perfect way to exist.
As my emotional/thought blockages reduce( more on this in future posts) I will be more present for myself and the perfectionist thinking will reduce too. I just have to be aware of my vulnerability right now. I have to be gentle with myself.
Counseling today, homeopathy a few weeks ago and tomorrow I will be going to the endocrinologist. I am slightly afraid. I am afraid that they will be like, Your Thyroid is destroyed, or your adrenals are so damaged they are non existent. But another part of me, a larger part never felt my struggles were hormonal but nutritional deficiencies. I have felt that from near the beginning of my deterioration.
The perfectionist part of me is afraid I have been wrong, is afraid of making any mistake in my healing process.
The instinctual me is staying, “Stay calm Rachel, your perception is right. Believe in yourself.”
I have no idea what will happen to me. I feel like I am in a movie now, wondering how it will end.
All I know is that I need to keep writing. Through writing I am able to stay connected with my instinct, sensitivity, emotions and perceptions, even when I am in pain or dissociating.
I know I need to stay brave. Tonight, though broken, I feel strangely up for the challenge.