Thoughts of Protection, Unprotection and God
Since I was a kid I have always been intensely sensitive to pain. As a child when I had to get shots I would become immensely scared. My mom always had to be near me. I have run from doctors as a child down the halls of the doctors office.
I have always been sensitive to pain.
But as Ive gotten older pain has been heaped on me over and over.
When I was a kid and teen I prayed often for God to protect me and even in my adult years.
I have had that prayer often in my life and yet bad things have happened to me, moments after those prayers, sometimes seconds after.
Sometimes these days I struggle with hating myself for existing because I have felt so much pain and I feel like it is my fault because I exist.
Today I was reading articles on God and suffering and I came to the conclusion( my personal view) that just like some people suffer from poverty or some from of oppression their whole life, some people are really not protected in their lives. I don’t know why this is.
As a child and until today I felt God in some way promised protection to His and that something was severely wrong with me because I had gone so long unprotected and still am in many ways( physical being, emotionally, mentally). In fact, like I said, many times I hated myself for existing (this struggle will probably come up again).
I realized today, it does not mean that I am bad that so many bad things have happened to me, it’s just that in this life I will not necessary be protected even from what is unbearable. That’s just the way it is here on earth.