Another Experience of Trauma in the Medical Feild

I am not up to writing, but I feel I have to. Today was extremely traumatic for me. I have been suffering from what I believe to be  a core mineral/vitamin deficiency and my doctor discounted that many times scheduling test without listening to anything I’ve been through.

I had a MRI today. I canceled the first one because I was in such a weak, traumatized, deficient place. I was in that same place today. I should have canceled it. I was re-traumatized so badly that I flew into a fit of rage like a tortured animal and cried horribly in the car after it was finished.
I cried INSIDE the MRI.

My heart began to hurt very badly when the contrast dye went into my body. In the MRI the doctor had to keep reminding me to breath.

The needle, catheter, the prodding and poking was VERY traumatic to me since I walked in with an already weak feeling heart ( which none of my doctors take seriously though I have said this many many times). I met with my doctor and told her I felt like I’d had a mini stroke in my sleep. I woke up feeling my heart stop and have had poor movement in a certain part of my body since. She discounted it, not even mentioning or speaking to that concern.

I cried in the MRI because I am tired of feeling pain after pain after pain.I freaked out in the car because I have been tortured physically by pain for years.

I am not listened to for many of my concerns or experiences by my doctors and am easily discounted. I have suffered unfairly. I don’t care who it is, this is not okay for ANYONE to have to go through.

I have been tortured in this life, at age  26 so severely that I have had to let hope die or I would not be able to stand any of what I am going through. I also want nothing out of this life anymore. I no longer want to be married, or have kids, because I do not believe I will be able to cope with the natural pain that comes with either. All my pain thresholds have been destroyed. They will not grow back. My view of God and life has been permanently destroyed by my endless suffering. That will not grow back either. TORTURE, which is the only word I can describe what has been done to me, destroys all sense of safety in the world. The world has nothing for me. For all it’s beauty, it doesn’t confuse me. I want none of it. The beauty of the trees, flowers, all that, has done nothing to spare me a moment of pain. It is as meaningless as anything else. I can admire it, but it gives me no hope.

For those who still have hope, that must be a nice feeling, enjoy.

To those who have experienced the hell of having hope die, I truly am sorry. You have suffered greatly. I understand.

 

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2 Comments

  1. beijaflor77

    Hi Rachel…I don’t know what you’re suffering from, but please know you’re not alone in your experiences. What you’ve written I could have written several years ago. About 6 years ago my health suddenly fell apart, I was practically bed-ridden for about 4 months, I had all kinds of crazy symptoms, and I saw doctor after doctor and had all these tests done, only to have many of the doctors tell me there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and my problems were “all in my head.” So I totally understand where you’re coming from and your frustration with the medical field. I’ve been there.

    Like you, I also felt pretty hopeless during that time as well–I thought my life was over, that I’d never be able to accomplish anything, and that I’d have my symptoms for the rest of my life. Well, I do still have some occasional symptoms today, and it took me a while to recover physically (emotionally and mentally I’m still recovering), but I made it through, and the greatest miracle was fulfilling a dream of mine–running a marathon–only 3 years after lying in bed barely able to move. I tell you all this not because I think your story will turn out exactly like mine, but to simply give you a bit of hope. I completely understand and validate what you’re feeling and going through, because I’ve dealt with similar circumstances in my own life, and I’ve known (and still know) a lot of pain, but I’ve also come to understand that sometimes, in the darkest of circumstances, and the deepest of pain, we tend to see the dark clouds more than the sun shining brightly just above the clouds. For the reality is, no matter how dark things get, the sun IS always shining–we simply can’t see it. Sometimes we simply have to deliberately choose to see the sun instead of the clouds. This what I’ve had to learn to do in my own life, because, often, if I don’t, I sink into despair.

    I don’t know if that’s helpful at all–if it isn’t, just chuck it. Your pain resonates with me, and I just want you to know you’re not alone. My prayer is that, no matter what you’re going through, you’ll find the strength to hold onto hope–even if it’s the tiniest glimmer. (And I do apologize for the length of this comment.)

    ~April

    • April,
      Thank you for this comment. No need to apologize for the length, it was very kind for you to take the time to write it and reading it definitely lifted my spirit.I have been feeling a great amount of despair, anger and hurt, baffled as to how my life and being could be so injured. I suffer from a lot of shame that I have not been better able to assert my needs, express my pain or ask for help. I feel very ran over by life.
      Reading your words about your suffering got to me. I am sorry you have had so much physical pain and that you were bedridden for about 4 months and that you had to deal with doctors being invalidating of your pain.
      It is very inspiring to read that you made it out of that hell and was even able to run a marathon afterward :). That is awesome.
      It means a lot to me to know you also know what it feels like to be physically shut down by pain. It means a lot to me that you resonate with my words.
      I appreciate you encouraging me to hold onto hope, even if it is the tiniest bit of hope. To be honest it has been really hard to not let myself hope for anything. It was a protective move, to keep from any more torturous disappointment, but its been a painful stance to take because naturally at my core I am a dreamer.
      I will try to find something, one thing that feels not too threatening that can give me some hope, however small.
      April I greatly appreciate your thoughtfulness and compassion toward me and your prayer.
      I hope you have a wonderful day and that you will be able to find continuous safe places of rest on your ongoing healing journey.
      -Rachel

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