Another Experience of Trauma in the Medical Feild
I am not up to writing, but I feel I have to. Today was extremely traumatic for me. I have been suffering from what I believe to be a core mineral/vitamin deficiency and my doctor discounted that many times scheduling test without listening to anything I’ve been through.
I had a MRI today. I canceled the first one because I was in such a weak, traumatized, deficient place. I was in that same place today. I should have canceled it. I was re-traumatized so badly that I flew into a fit of rage like a tortured animal and cried horribly in the car after it was finished.
I cried INSIDE the MRI.
My heart began to hurt very badly when the contrast dye went into my body. In the MRI the doctor had to keep reminding me to breath.
The needle, catheter, the prodding and poking was VERY traumatic to me since I walked in with an already weak feeling heart ( which none of my doctors take seriously though I have said this many many times). I met with my doctor and told her I felt like I’d had a mini stroke in my sleep. I woke up feeling my heart stop and have had poor movement in a certain part of my body since. She discounted it, not even mentioning or speaking to that concern.
I cried in the MRI because I am tired of feeling pain after pain after pain.I freaked out in the car because I have been tortured physically by pain for years.
I am not listened to for many of my concerns or experiences by my doctors and am easily discounted. I have suffered unfairly. I don’t care who it is, this is not okay for ANYONE to have to go through.
I have been tortured in this life, at age 26 so severely that I have had to let hope die or I would not be able to stand any of what I am going through. I also want nothing out of this life anymore. I no longer want to be married, or have kids, because I do not believe I will be able to cope with the natural pain that comes with either. All my pain thresholds have been destroyed. They will not grow back. My view of God and life has been permanently destroyed by my endless suffering. That will not grow back either. TORTURE, which is the only word I can describe what has been done to me, destroys all sense of safety in the world. The world has nothing for me. For all it’s beauty, it doesn’t confuse me. I want none of it. The beauty of the trees, flowers, all that, has done nothing to spare me a moment of pain. It is as meaningless as anything else. I can admire it, but it gives me no hope.
For those who still have hope, that must be a nice feeling, enjoy.
To those who have experienced the hell of having hope die, I truly am sorry. You have suffered greatly. I understand.