Suffering, Damage and Dreams
Tonight I think of suffering and damage, something I think of often now.
I have come to a conclusion that trauma and extreme suffering produces a sort of death in a person that is never reversed, it changes the way one sees the world. You understand that some go without what they need, and some die from lack of answers, or receiving answers too late.
Some go through life and not for lack of trying, fail every test life brings them. Sometimes for lack of resources, understanding, help, peace- and endless other reasons.
It is hard to believe in anything when life has beat even prayer out of your spirit.
It hard to hope when you have experienced hell.
It is almost impossible to feel valuable when you have experienced repeated trauma.
I have never craved a heaven so badly, and even then, in heaven, I feel I’d want to be alone, not sure if God or Jesus would ever be able to comfort me in all of eternity. That is how badly I hurt.
Readers, I hope I am not daunting you or scaring you with my pain. I may be. It is not my intention but I have to express my pain and validate what it means to suffer so badly that you wonder if even heaven will bring comfort. I know I cant be alone in that pain.
Some may think it is bad to say those things. Maybe it is. These are the words of a traumatized human, they are filled with rage, despair and shock. God knows that my pain threshold has been obliterated. Though I am unable to pray to him right now. I feel he understands.
I am not yet out of twenty, have several more years to go to thirty, and I still have to figure out ( If I make it through my crushing health issues) how I am going to deal with living the rest of my life. It is not an easy thought, and not one I will dwell on tonight.
Tonight, I want to think of rest. I want to think of a heaven.
The heaven I imagine, looks a lot like a cabin by the sea or tucked near mountains in Alaska. I have never been to Alaska but through looking at pictures, I find it stunning.
I am desirous of the moment I know my suffering at least of this fiery season is over. I know I will look at all I’ve lost and be traumatized all over again but then I will be able to finally cry, being able to finally take it all in, and I will no longer have to be filled with adrenaline and fight, going from doctors to doctors, test after test, worsening, waking up and feeling a added loss of function, day after day, my brain being tortured by the loss of it’s ease in functioning too, striving to not break down and fall apart, feeling the nerves all over my body spitting and dying, waking up and realizing I was not in dream sleep, but that once again I was near death. Over and over. Loss and loss and loss.
I am desirous of the moment it is over.
I am desirous of the moment it is over, and the comfort that I hope will come after.
A cool breeze or touch over the open, grotesque red wounds in my soul.