Weeks Ago, I kept seeing Cardinals
When a person is desperate, they look for signs that God hasn’t left them in hell.
A few weeks ago, when I looked out my window, I kept seeing a cardinal or two near the fence.
In my heart ( though this sounds strange) it felt like God was telling me to notice them.
In the blood red color of the cardinal, I saw the blood red wound of my own trauma. I also saw, oddly redemption.
I have been unable to pray since I broke down over the weekend and doubt I will be able to pray anytime soon. My mind has been in a fragile place and I am not able to handle feeling like I am being unheard by God right now. I have prayed a thousand times and watched more of me be destroyed, more loss, more pain, more suffering, more destruction of my life.
But, its late, and I cant sleep… It’s 3:24 am.
I am thinking about a day toward the end of last month. I sat on the chair in my room in complete despair. I wanted to die. I felt that I was burdening everyone around me. I felt grossly contorted by my physical and emotional pain. I was in hell, the place I have been for some time now- and I was crushed by the pain, injury and endlessness.
My blinds to my bedroom were closed and as I sat, disillusioned, dissociating, hopeless, I heard a very loud peck, on my window several times.
I got up and went to the window, opening the blinds and two cardinals were sitting on the fence. It was right as the sky was turning dark for night but I could still see them.
I’m trying to hold onto the hope that God still sees me and that the cardinals were indeed a sign.
I read about what a cardinal could mean for Christians and I read it was a sign to encourage faith in darkness, and that God hears you, and that Jesus loves you and his blood was shed in that love.
It’s hard for me to swallow and accept it, though I want to.
I have suffered enough that I should not be able to complete a sentence, my mind should no longer work in any manner. I struggle to trust God and often rage at him because of the suffering. I wonder if he is waiting for my brain to break?
My prayers right now are dead, that is for sure.
But I crave a all powerful love and I cant seem to let go of the hope that God cares about me.
At the same time though, I expect nothing from God anymore. Some Christians feel safe and protected, but I do not.
I have a constant feeling of lack of safety because of the suffering and trauma I have experienced.
Many many many times I have felt I was extremely close to death. I know I was.
I at some point will have a blog post about all my physical pains and sufferings, the list will be as long as it is disturbing. I am not up to thinking about it in such a detailed way tonight as it may make me dissociate and feel hopeless all over again.
I don’t know how to trust God when the suffering has been so degenerative and without answers. If it was quick, there would not have been all this suffering, but it has been slow and contorting to my soul.
My suffering has destroyed all sense of safety on the earth, and all sense of attachment to life. I at this point, live for my family and friends, and to tell my story, hoping it will help someone, and that is it.
I am a person who was naturally full of passion for life. I remember my cousin telling me I had consistent passion for life.
My suffering has killed that, though it took years, that part of me is finally dead.
At this point, I am trying to heal.
I crave rest, but see it nowhere. God has been silent. God has let me know hell.
I am afraid to hope, but I will wait and see.