I am “coming down” from having fallen apart the day before my last post. The ongoing chronic pain and deterioration of my body and mind(memory/quickness of thought), emotional devastation from repeated loss and misunderstanding made me feel like I was going to break in my mind body and soul. That day I told God he died to me. Ive never said that before, and I meant it. I told my mom I felt abandoned by God. I still feel abandoned by God.
Today, I get the sad feeling that I want to feel close to God again, but I know I cannot right now- not now.
I cannot and will never be able to entirely comprehend the suffering he has allowed in my life.
I do not expect to be protected by God. It has not happened no matter how many years I have prayed.
I wonder if God would let my mind crumble and for me to be walking the streets, with all lost consciousness of myself. The painful thing is, I think he would. There are people who have had trauma and end up on the street or worse because they do not get the help they need. I’m sure they, like me, prayed deeply too. I can not digest this.
It hurts my soul, because I know what it feels like to almost be there.
I still believe in God. I still sense he is good. But I can not be at peace in my suffering, I cannot be close to him as he has watched me where I am.
So I am alone now.