Creative Escapes

*I write alot recently about existence trauma, terror in everyday life and goddess energy. My writing could be triggering to the hurting, those who have experienced religious or spiritual abuse, and those who suffer. Please read with care*

Today I didn’t do much, did some chores and played some online games. My health doesn’t let me drive( my parents or brothers take me places If i need) nor does it let me go very far on walks without pain. I was experiencing trauma today from yesterday’s triggers. I’m still feeling fragile and needing to stay calm. I had read a few days ago that Mercury is in retrograde and causes communication and thought problems, and I can feel that too- on top of everything else Ive been going through. Also yesterday was a blood moon. Perhaps I would have been scared but my goddess has made me see beauty in what is quick to be rejected. I read about the blood moon some and I didn’t get a bad sense from it at all, for some reason it calmed me. But also i view red as a loving, passionate color.

I felt like today the goddess energy I work with was trying to bring to my awareness just how much emotional pain I am in. I think the goddess energy I am drawn to is basically the goddess of pain and the deepest, most intense awareness and expressions of pain, also a keen wisdom, the unconscious, and a constant deep love and unending compassion. I do not feel she is “powerful” I only think shes a feminine energy.

But I think she showed me today,alot of my emotional pain is tied to my awareness. I also got the sense that she did not see the frenzy of being aware of horrors as bad, she viewed it as good and beautiful. She too is aware. I see her as the energy who wants to go in places others do not go in, and to hold the most traumatized and ruined.

She basically gave me a sense its okay that I’m destroyed, horrified and in a frenzy of intense terror over my life and the world. She made me feel, its tied to her awareness and to her. I get the sense I have to be gentle with myself-even if it is my sensitivity that life has most grossly shamed.

I feel I still must try to be sensitive with myself, and to accept I am completely lit up by the horror of awareness, frenzied, terrified, torn apart and ruined.

I named this post creative escapes because since I was little I was into imagination, fantasy and the like. That is shamed often in society for some reason. I have returned to ways of creativity that I knew would help me as a child to be able to feel human in a world that is often extremely brutal. Computer games are one, writing is another.

I felt terrorized by the fragility of the body and of life yesterday, and the ruthlessness of suffering and trauma on the body and mind. Today I was reminded that the nature does try to heal itself in ways it can. But still I am aware how fragile everything is and how suffering is intertwined in everything and how extreme the suffering can be.

I’m hoping it rains tonight, gently.


Horrors and Today

I took a short walk with my dad as I often do. It is cooler. I walk only as far as I can. I like the cool weather. Something I saw in nature triggered me bad, I saw the random suffering, confusion, not knowing the answer, pain, un-sureness, horror of not knowing.

When I went inside I felt overwhelmed. I wanted to die. I felt burdened and crushed, violated to the depths of my soul and traumatized from existing. I just wanted to die again, it was so painful all over again- being reminded I live on a planet full of horrors.
I needed to soothe myself so I thought of my goddess.I freaked out more because I felt, no shes not going to save me. If she was powerful she would have reached out and held me already. Shes not powerful. But yet i still feel drawn to her and feel i am hers.

I sent an email off to a wise friend, I called my cousin- he will be calling me back.
I did some other things that i do to try and soothe myself, creative outlets I have found that the goddess of my unconscious helps me with.

I feel it might calm me a bit tonight cause I was having another anxiety attack about how horrific this world is.

Ive been watching the news about the Pope. I usually don’t watch the news because it horrifies me. I wanted to know what he would say, though im not religious. Im glad talk of mercy, compassion and seeing the suffering is on the news.

The goddess and the dark

*Mature concepts in this post, could be triggering to those suffering. Read with care. My posts are meant to validate and give compassion*

I wrote  a post earlier on Antinatalism. It went out tonight with my dad to get a doctors note and on the drive I once again, psychologically got to the point where I could not fully declare myself an Antinatalist, though I am one who will never have kids. That is for certain. This world to me is full of suffering and pain and I wish I had not been born.
I made that post private.

I think what it is, is that I still need healing. I need it. If only for my soul.This world is dark and not safe and full of evil. And to me it would be be better to not have been born. But sadly I exist, and I need healing still for the sadness and trauma of my soul.

I think, instead of calling myself an Antinatalist I just identify as a person who has experienced horrors in life and do not think life is safe, a person who will never have kids because I will bring no one into this world where so much suffering occurs, and a person who thinks people need to recognize the horrific suffering that happens DAILY and CONSTANTLY in the world.

I think people should be allowed to grieve that they live in a world that has much cruelty and is fundamentally flawed, and those who want to die should be allowed to peacefully die in this world without shame. I agree with Antinatalism though that suicide doesn’t undo the ultimate wound, which for many sensitive souls- is being born.

For now I feel my place is working with goddess energy to soothe myself as best I can and to bring compassion to and not hide the darkness that is everywhere; loss, pain, suffering, sadness, terror, trauma, horror.

I need to be saved by Love

I need to be saved by Love,

but it will never happen.

the only one that will save me and kiss me with passionate love and understanding

Is death.


Homeric Hymn 2 to Demeter 19 ff (trans. Evelyn-White) (Greek epic C7th – 4th B.C.) :

“Then she [Persephone] cried out shrilly [as she was seized by the god Haides] with her voice, calling upon her father, the Son of Kronos [Zeus], who is most high and excellent. But no one, either of the deathless gods or mortal men, heard her voice, nor yet the olive-trees bearing rich fruit: only tender-hearted Hekate, bright-coiffed, the daughter of Persaios, heard the girl from her cave, and the lord Helios (the Sun) . . .

The Return of the Feminine Divine… Energies and Higher Healing….

this is such a beautiful post. and the picture at the very bottom melted me. It think that picture shows what men and women truly are. I love the description of the Black Magi having infiltrated this world. That feels right to my soul. That bottom picture I feel shows the TRUE essence of men and women. Look at how he is holding her, shes so safe, he adores her, she is his! She is as close as his own soul!!!!!!….look how she is receiving him, there is nothing that will stop her love, she wants to melt in him forever, eternal, can you say ETERNAL…!!!!!

its so true.

Judith Kusel

The Mother of all… and receiver, the birther and ultimately the greatest energy source of all is now returning to this planet in full force…

In the very beginning she reigned on this planet… and all her creatures lived in harmony and they were happy and content…. They honoured her in the forests and trees, in the cyclic nature of the turning seasons and tides….

They honoured her sacred oak groves and those sacred energy places of this planet, which reconnected them with the Feminine Divine… the Mother of all Creation… the Great Mother, who in one moment of utter and complete union with the Father of All, in ecstasy and bliss that only perfect union expresses, she gave birth to the galaxy and stars, and most of all of all life and life forms, visible and invisible…

In those days the women held the offices of the nurturers, the…

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Life is Evil. People are Good.

Triggers: A post on Antinatlism, which subscribes a negative value to birth. Think of the phrase, “I wish I had never been born”. So its a darker post, alot alot of pain, and understanding of the horrors in existence. Read with caution. This post is meant to validate and comfort, not harm.


I dont fit well, in any label. In fact, I cant be labeled.No one understands me enough to describe me- except for maybe the label Indigo. Thats me 100%.

But I suscribe to antinatalism, and have for a year before even hearing what it was( maybe longer really), as I decided about a year ago I would not bring kids into this evil world, full of horror. Now, recently, I learned about something called antinatalism and I see others feel like me.

I do not believe life as it is, is good ( maybe one day it will be more good, but for now and throughout history, i feel it is more evil). I believe life is more evil than good- that is basically antinatalism, seeing life as more evil and trying to reduce the experiences of horror.

I do not think anyone should be told what they can or cannot do. If you want to have kids, have kids. But i think people are not given proper information about the reality of suffering in the world, because life itself is very deceitful. Life seems to be safe, and as if it will protect you, but it will not.

I will write more about this soon.

Its a very painful subject for me, but one I feel very very close to. Not everything i read on antinatalism do I suscribe to, but ultimately I think its a very compassionate, actually SEEING the pain and horror of existence. Ive found no religion, no spirtuality, no humanist movement, that seemed to explain it or see it so clearly.  Its comforted me to know, others see and understand how cruel and horrific life can be.

I used to want kids, when i was in early high school. I used to want to be married, I used to think good things would come from life. Now I do not want those things, nor do I trust life. In fact, I want to be rid of life and its horrors.

I realize writing on Antinatalism will be tricky, but I feel it will help those who are hurting like me, where they see clearly and have experienced clearly, being tortured to a place of ruin by life. These post are ultimately for them, with the purpose of comforting them, not to harm them. I want to comfort those who are traumatized by life. You are not alone. I love and understand you.

More post on this to come.

Victim Blaming: Adam and Eve

This society blames victims. It even shames the word ‘victim’ like there is no such thing.

Sadly, I think victim blaming comes from the Garden of Eden.

So the story goes…
Eve was manipulated, seduced and conned by the devil in the disguise of a snake. She was emotionally raped. Then Adam was emotionally raped because Adam and Eve were deeply connected in the garden, and what was hers-was his.

Then when god appears they are afraid and ashamed -implying God is disproving and shamming them! And indeed he his!
He victim blames them.
He punishes them for being manipulated into going against his will.
He punishes them with pain of work and birthing pain.
God shames the two victims of a great manipulator.
This is not okay, nor is it love.
This is not a god that does anything to my heart. Blah -I say to that god.

I feel Jesus represented a true God. He didnt blame any of the miserable people he sought after and befriended. He loved the victims and UNDERSTOOD, not shamed.

Patriarchy: Not Out There. In Here

Trigger** self harm reference

Why as a child did I feel something was wrong with the imbalance of masucline and feminine power?As a child I felt this. Before I was even a teenager.
I could of course not express it in words, BUT I FELT IT.
Just today, i got in a horrrific argument with my parents after I told my dad I was not ‘a passive woman’ in response to him telling me to abruptly log off the computer ( which i am often on because its my safe haven and comfort from my misery with my health – explained in older posts.) with a good amount of barely repressed rage at the masculine energy on crack that has caused me so much horror through systems, religion and chronic emotional and physical invalidation-
just today I realized this patriarchy(or men as superior to women and in control) is not only pressent as the running force of most institutions, systems and fundamental religions- but in my home.

It may seem strange that I got an attitude over a computer, but talk to anyone who experiences daily invalidation and has felt long periods (years) of extreme powerlessness – better yet -if you’ve lived that – you know. If not, sorry I’m not going into explaining that tonight.

My parents are loving people, very dedicated to my heath and hope.
But they have experienced and accepted many old systems as okay, when because of my personality I constantly am up against and damaged by these old systems. I also see how these old systems damage and destroy others.

I cut twice today cause my pain was so severe. I craved and crave the feminine healing energy that has been lacking in this lifetime. I craved the masculine healing energy that realizes men are equal to women in all ways. The man is NOT the head of the woman. They are both the head, and powerful as hell when there gifts are both given EQUAL value.

Patriachy treats women like slaves. Period
Patriarchy treats the feminity found in BOTH women and men, like shit. Yes! Men are hurt too by patriarchy! Terribly so!
I know at least two highly sensitive men who rejected Christianity because of the spiritual misery it caused them. Both of which are very aware men.

Should men be blamed?No!! Never. Men have gifts and goodness we all need.
Frankly I always look up. I would have gotten killed for this in past lives-but I hold God accountable. Men and women are creation’s, it is God that either heals or lets things be ruined… and right now Gods energy is not pulling through well. God( masculine and feminine) has not given us a world of safety but of pain, and Patriarchy and Christianity grew out of a flawed creation and pain inflicted on men and women who may have felt being strong and overpowering was the only way to survive. Nature itself shames the vulernable.

I look to God and tell her to handle her stuff. I tell God he needs to see the pain of mankind, to really see it.

Involuntary Matyrdom

*Triggers* I write about deep pain, and my language is raw.

I remember years back, over ten years ago, I realized I was dying in all ways, that my life was falling apart and it seemed only I could see it. I remember telling my mom, “I dont want to be a martyr.’
I was in high school then, and indeed I saw what was happening to my life, though I had no way to express my terror, fear and stress at that time, except for my writing.

Recently Ive come to believe everyone is a martyr, whether they want to be or not. I dont believe Saints are the only martyrs, I think every single human on this earth is a martyr, because we are born into suffering(none of us escapes this), and our suffering is the cause of all development and growth of humanity– whether we want this or not.
Martyrdom is what we are as humans.
Everything any of us has, has come through the trail and error in the life of others.
Do you have clean water? Nice. That comes from trail and error of realizing water needed purification to drink, many suffered before that finding.

Have you lived past twenty two? Nice. That took work too. Do you have teeth? This took work to learn how to preserve teeth.
Do you know which foods are safe to eat? Do you know what medication to take for a condition you have?
Trail and error, lots of blood and sweat.
Welcome to life.

A part of me is in shock at how much suffering is intertwined in life. Everything is suffering. Absolutely everything. My soul is in shock over this but it is real, I cant ignore it– it is right in my face. I am living it.

And sorry (intense sarcasm), I don’t blame humans ‘sinfulness’.